University: Another Chapter Ends

 For me, every life is nothing but a story. The pages representing each passing day, with the author evolving beyond her imagination and will, with her raw emotions, struggling, the ups and downs. "The carousel never stops turning". Each story contains tens, hundreds, thousands, heck even millions of chapters; some better than the others, some are left to be forgotten with dust spread all over the words, and some pages are memorized forever. This post will contain my College Chapter, the one I'm closing after 5 years.

Where to begin... I was never a great student. I was privileged and up to a certain degree even spoiled to be able to get the best education my country has to offer, starting from kindergarten up to college, I've only stepped into private schools, "the rich kid's" institutions, the places that taught me so much but took a great deal of my identity in return. I still up to this date can't comprehend why my parents insisted that I, at age 5, would be sent off to a kindergarten with a German école. I should probably interrupt your for a second to point out the fact that even though I sound pretty ungrateful and very spoiled, in fact, I'm so thankful for the both of them. That doesn't change the fact that I still can't wrap my mind around the idea of why my parents would give up so much from their lives to provide me for the best pre-life I could have. I just can't. I mean, I know they are my parents and every parent wish that their child could have the best, but they could save up so much and do so many different things instead of sending me off to private schools my entire life.
Anyway, flash forward to 15 years, and I can safely say that all these education and private schools has contributed to two very important aspects of my identity: my English is almost as good as my Turkish which provided me tons of amazing opportunities, and my self-esteem was never shattered by the outside world because I felt privileged and was treated as the best my entire life by my teachers and the adults around me, so I know how to stand up for myself, my limits, my capabilities, what I can achieve and what I need to work on to be a better version of myself.

I remember wanting to study Psychology since I could remember. I remember writing it on post-its at the end of the 8th grade, as well as making it official throughout my high school years. With that being said, I never concentrated on my grades during high school, I always neglected school work because I still up to this date feel it is compulsory rather than voluntary, and that ego I kept on feeding through my adolescent years is simply against the idea of anything forced upon me.
I wanted to study Psychology because it seemed so fascinating, to understand the human mind, the responses, the feelings and the underlying mechanisms seemed to be so ecstatic. I wanted to study the human mind to understand my own, to fight my own demons, to help myself. That, I can say has been successful up to a certain extend. I still don't think that my education was even closer to what I'd imagine, I pictured studying Psychology to be memorizing very fancy latin words that I wouldn't be able to pronounce, that I could look at a person and diagnose her immediately, understand every little childhood trauma they may have encountered. None of these things happened. I kept on learning the history of Psychology as a science, a bit more than I'd hoped for, and made no progress on becoming a Clinician that I'd dreamt of being by the end of the freshmen year. However, this major taught me a whole lot deal that I know for sure that other people won't be able to wrap their minds around. It opened up my mind, in the greatest aspects there are, and taught to love the human mind. It thought me to be open minded, to be welcoming, kind, understanding and supportive. It taught me that you can't change a person but you can accept them the way they are. It showed me that every person is lovable and is not that different than yourself. It taught me that there is a reason for every single thought that goes running on your head, and only you can help yourself in the depths of your own mind. It taught me the potential of human beings, their minds, how they work, what they want, how they would react. It made me hate people sometimes, but also showed me how fascinating and beautiful and fragile and sick yet lovable we all are. It taught me who I am. And I'm beyond grateful to have a bachelor's degree on Psychology now, and I'm sure my road to self-discovery will never end, and this is the greatest feeling there is for me.

I still have so many regrets for the past 5 years. I wish I'd attended school more frequent and got better grades. I wish I'd make more friends, socialize more, discover different stories. I wish I'd push myself to do a double major instead of a minor, and I wish I'd be more active as a human throughout all of these struggling. But I guess you live and learn, and if I ever go back to school for a Master's degree, you can bet your ass I'll do better.

Thanks to all of my professors who taught me amazing things, those whom I'd curse after the finals but have to give credit as they touched my academic life profoundly. I have to thank every soul I met along the way, my friends, the ones I've let go, the ones I felt so close but don't have a contact anymore, you all made it bearable for me to survive a constantly-changing environment that I know I wouldn't be able to survive without. I thank every person I've met during my Erasmus period in Maastricht, which made those 6 months the best I've had, a great chapter on my book that had tremendous impact on my life and my personality right now. I have to thank my family who supported me no matter what, even when I neglected school, even when I couldn't make my mind around what I'm going to do with my life, even when I shut them out completely and didn't leave my room for days; you guys are the reason why I am where I am, without you I'll be nothing but ordinary.

Looking back, I have to say university was the best and worst period of my life. It was best because I feel like I've become who I am, learnt my weaknesses, my errors, my strengths and my blessings. Worst, because as I was going through the whole self-discovery era, everything around me was changing like a roller coaster and I'm not so good on coping with changes, but I'm glad I survived all of this and I'm so fucking proud of myself. Thanks to everyone who believed me, and f*** you if you didn't.

Ps: My real graduation is on the 13th of July, so I'll be back with another post!

Be kind to yourself,

& keep on smiling,

EG.