still here | ciao '21

 

  

No, this is not me coming back, I hardly ever miss blogging anymore. I am just fond of looking back and reminisce, thus this post. When hours don't seem to pass, another year is coming to an end, and safe to say that this year has been transformative. I am still learning to be an adult, whatever that means; and man, transitioning is brutal. Life is changing constantly, and me? I'm doing fine, I'm stronger than ever, and I'm making it on my own. At least I try, and at the end of the day, that's what matters. We'll get there. We will.

i am your black swan

 

  

It's getting cold in here, but I don't mind, it's not like I'm going out that much anyway. The days are shorter up here, and I'm lucky if the sun ever comes out. It sucks that I won't be able to travel back to Istanbul for the new year as my mom insistently told me not to because of Covid, but I'm hoping to go back in mid-January, I miss Istanbul and my family. Life here in Amsterdam is going well I'd say, I'm finally done with my thesis -hopefully for good, this time-, started an internship, and am still doing some soul-searching.

Ancora, Ancora, Ancora

 

It's so funny how the change of scenery can transform so much about you; your thoughts, your feelings, your whole being even is so connected to the environment you are that it's crazy to grasp the idea and not get affected by the atmosphere around you. Being back in Amsterdam feels right this time, like I've come "home" in a sense, even though I'm not sure if I'll feel the real meaning of that word. The weather has shifted from a heatwave into pouring rain and dull clouds, but oh well, welcome to the Northern Europe I guess.

wolkenreiter

mango glasses | topshop crop top | massimo dutti pants | vans sneakers

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Hola friends! As always, I've neglected my blog for almost a month. I'm back at Amsterdam where the heatwave is melting my skin, reading three books at once, meeting strangers and enjoying life. In a couple of weeks I'm hoping to have a clearer perspective on what my next couple of months here will look like, but until then, I'm trying to make the most of it. Here are some photos from my dad's place in Istanbul, I'll be back soon with more content and hopefully another video! Until then, stay safe, hydrated and happy. 

Serenity

  

I'm at my mom's place, up on the mountains, away from everything, with nothing much to do. Turns out, this place was what I needed the most, finally easing my pacing mind, bringing light to my soul. We went to Mount Ida two days ago, a beautiful scenery with the green and blue intertwined, the sound of the water accompanied by the chirping of the birds and the bugs. Total tranquility, total freedom, total serenity. Finally, I feel fine again, after a long time. I also had the inspiration to create a visual story for YouTube.

II

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One last week of struggling against resits, one last month of writing my thesis. Two more weeks in the Netherlands, then going back home. To my friends and family. To summer. Escaping life for just a little while, while I can, because god knows that I'm exhausted. Coming to the Netherlands didn't turn out the way I planned, drained my energy and changed me in a way I didn't see coming. But I'll take my time to re-build myself, like I always do. I hope you are staying safe and sound. I leave you with a midnight flow session.

14:56

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It's been forever again. Quarantine. Online examination. Worrying. Missing. Writing. Trying to eat healthy but failing miserably. Re-connecting. Day dreaming. Rotterdam. Books. Fantasy. Not my cup of tea. Thesis. Lost. Music. Cookies on the side. La Casa De Papel. Freud. Community. Friends. Love. Family. Isolation. Train rides. Wash your hands. Don't touch that. HouseParty. Facetime. Missed call. Whatsapp call. Safe. Healthy. In transition. Metamorphosis. Solitude. Small things. Compromise. Trying. Failing. Trying again.